Weighted

Well, I can't sleep...so I figured I'd make the best of my sleeplessness and blog a bit.  Got a lot on my mind, guys.  I'll try not to get too philosophical on ya, but remember - I'm tired.  :P 

Have you ever felt like you are trying so hard to do the "right thing" that you find yourself beginning to lose sight of what that "right thing" really is in the first place?  Or, have you ever wanted so badly for something to work (no, not like winning the Powerball) that failure simply isn't an option...but then at the same time, success seems so far in the future you can barely make out that tiny little night light at the end of the tunnel?  Most people already know I'm not happy with how old I turned this year, and I feel like I'm running out of time.  I haven't even come close to accomplishing the things I wanted to in my life, and at this rate, I never will.  And quite frankly, that upsets me.  This is not what I signed up for.  This is not what I pictured my life to be.  Don't get me wrong - there are so many things I wouldn't change for the world - especially my two babies.  But there are a lot of things I'd do different.  Maybe I'm some sort of anomaly...they always say you should life a life with no regrets.  Well geez - if you ask me, those people must either have the owner's manual to life (which I definitely do not), or they are extremely lucky, or very wealthy.  Either that or I'm just not as good as I should be at making the best of what I have.  I'm trying though.  It's an ongoing process.  ;)

Maybe I'm just homesick.  Maybe burned out.  I'm still optimistic, though.  One step at a time.  The lady teaching my training class at work this week is a doula.  I have wanted to get into that ever since I was pregnant with Roman and met a lady who worked as one.  You might call it a baby fever that just never goes away, but I have a passion for babies.  The idea of being there and assisting mothers in bringing them into the world just makes me smile.  If I ever get my nursing degree finished, I'd like to go into pre-, neo-, or post-natal care.  Maybe even become a midwife, so I can actually do the deliveries myself.  That would be so awesome.  I'm sure Jason would appreciate the outlet, too, so I'd quit talking about how I've always wanted more than two kids!  ;)

Yep.  Feels good to get a few dreams and aspirations down on 'paper'.  Hopefully someday in the future I will be able to look back at this blog entry and say, "I did it!"  That's all for tonight.  I think I'll try that sleep thing again now.  Night, guys.  Love ya~

P.S. information about what a doula is, etc:  http://www.dona.org/mothers/index.php